Miscarriage / Infant Loss- A Mother's Thoughts After Losing Her Baby At 20 Weeks Pregnant & Free Support Groups

Thursday April 27th was such an exciting day. A day we had anxiously anticipated for 5 months. We would find out if we were adding another precious baby boy or a sweet princess to our lives. At 6:30, family would arrive at our home for our baby's gender reveal party.

As I drove to my ultrasound appointment, I could hardly contain myself. I may have gone at least 10 miles over the speed limit the whole way, hoping maybe they could get me in even earlier than my appointment. As I parked my car and got out, I had a smile on my face ear to ear I'm almost positive the lady in the car facing me noticed. Oh, how I had longed for this day. 

After sitting in the waiting room for an hour, I finally heard the words. "Mrs. Keller". It was my turn! It was finally time!! As I walked back to the ultrasound room, the nurse and I talked about how exciting these moments are in pregnancy. We laughed at the fact I have three boys and she told me she would keep her fingers crossed a little girl was on the screen. I told her either way it goes, I will be happy. All of my boys have blessed my life in so many ways. I hope they realize this one day.

I laid on the ultrasound table and cut up with technician. We agreed to try to keep the gender a secret in hopes of keeping it a surprise until the reveal party that night. I joked that it may be difficult if it's a boy since God seemed to bless all of them in "that area". We laughed as she poured a gallon of goo on my stomach and laid the ultrasound stick on my belly.

 
The process began. She began to take measurements to make sure our beautiful baby was growing properly. Before she even took the first measurement, I suddenly had a sick, scared feeling in my stomach. I didn't know why. I just looked at the screen and suddenly became terrified, for no specific reason at the point. She began taking more measurements. I noticed the baby was smaller than he or she should have been. I thought maybe the baby was smaller or maybe the due date originally calculated was incorrect. The technician grew very quiet. 

She placed the stick over the baby's heart to listen to the heartbeat. I've been to many ultrasounds. I know there should be waves on the screen when they test for this. I saw no waves. The technician stayed silent. She took one more measurement. She then told me she needed to bring the doctor in to look at some things and hurriedly left the room. 

I sat in the dark room alone. I turned the screen to face me and looked at the pictures of my baby. I looked at the measurements. I looked at the heartbeat, or lack of heartbeat, showing. I thought, no. No. This is not what they are going to tell me. The baby can't be dead. Everything has been perfect so far. I'm 5 months pregnant, entering my 6th month. Babies don't just "stop" this long into pregnancy. The baby has to just be small or have some kind of birth defect affecting its growth. Maybe dwarfism. Yes, dwarfism. I can deal with that. We'll be OK. And I have to just be reading the heart rate results wrong. My baby can't be dead. 

The doctor walked in the room. The ultrasound technician was crying. I knew. Before they told me, I knew. An agony came over me that is so strong I cannot put it into words. My wailing and crying could be heard through the door and down the hall. I heard the official words. "Ms. Keller, I'm so sorry. We can no longer detect a heartbeat. Your baby has died". Through my sobs, I begged the technician to tell me if it was a boy or girl. She told me the baby was too tightly snuggled up into itself to determine at that time. In that moment, my world changed. 

The next 3 hours were a blur. I remember there was a lot of talking to different nurses, but I don't remember what anyone said. It's as if the words bounced around the room but never actually entered my ears. I was there, but my mind and soul were not. I guess that's what people refer to as shock. I've never experienced it before. Not until that moment. Kris, my rock, the love of my life, came to the office as quickly as he could. We cried. He told me how much he loved me and that everything would be OK. I could only sit and stare or cry. Before I left the office, I took medicine that would prompt the beginning stages of the labor and delivery of our beautiful baby. 

On Friday April 28th at 9:00 PM, Kris and I headed to the hospital for what we thought would be a relatively short process for removing our sweet baby. After arriving, we were lead to the labor and delivery floor, along with several other mothers and fathers who were happily expecting the deliveries of their beautiful, healthy, living children that same night. I stepped out of the elevator onto the floor and immediately lost it. Why? Why was I here in this waiting room with a group of laboring women, full bellied as they were 9 months and anticipating their arrivals. I sobbed. I couldn't hold it in, even though I tried. I couldn't look at them or sit with them. I sat on the floor on the other side of the room with my back facing them. Kris held me and told me everything was going to be OK. He's a wonderful man. 

They finally called my name. "Mrs. Keller". I wasn't happy at hearing my name this time. I was lead down a hallway. The same hallway that only a little over a year ago I walked down to give birth to Skyler. This time, I felt as though I was being led to my death. I entered the labor and delivery room and lost it even more. I then found out this would not be a fast process. I was going to be delivering our beautiful baby. There was no surgery. There was no quick procedure. I would be given medication to begin labor contractions. I would endure 12 hours of labor. I would have to deliver my sweet child, but there would be no happy cry in the end.
The night turned into morning. The morning turned into day. 13 hours after I arrived at the hospital, I gave birth to our sweet angel. 

"Is it a boy or girl? Please! Is it a boy or girl!"
"Mrs. Keller. He is a perfect baby boy. He is absolutely perfect."

A sweet, perfect baby boy. After 5 long months of waiting, we finally had our answer. What a cute little boy he was. He had Skyler's button nose. His fingers and toes were perfect. He had the smallest little fingernails you could imagine. 

The nurses cleaned him off, wrapped him in a blanket, and I held our son for the first time. I was not alone in the room. My mother had come to show support. My best friend Rachel was with me for pictures and support. Kris never left my side. In that moment, however, I felt as though everything and everyone else in the world was gone. It was just me and Waylon in the room at that time. 

They placed a tiny diaper and bonnet on him and took pictures. We changed rooms to the post partum section of the floor. The floor where new mothers bond with their new blessings. They allowed me to carry Waylon to our room and placed him in a bassinet beside my bed. He stayed there with us all night. I needed that time with him, even though I was aware his spirit had already left this world. 

At 4:00 this morning, Kris and I said our final goodbyes to him and asked the nurses to please take him. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep him forever. I didn't want any of this to be real. But it was real. I had to accept it. I watched as they rolled the bassinet out of my room and knew that was the last time I would see him. 

Ever since Thursday, my life and emotions have been a complete rollercoaster. I will convince myself I'm "fine" and "over it" one moment, and in the next moment I'm falling apart again. It's hard. I don't know exactly how to handle all this. But, I guess no one ever really knows how to prepare for this kind of thing. 

Why am I writing all this and in such great detail? 

First- I want to remember. I want to remember every detail and every second of the brief time that I had with him on this earth. The joy we all felt when I was pregnant with him. Every emotion I felt while he was here on this earth with us. 

Second- I have never seen many women be vocal on this subject. However, as I receive messages of condolence and encouragement, I've found that this has happened to many women in and around my life. I want to break the silence so that healing can begin for myself and hopefully someone else grieving this same thing.

Third- I want to remember exactly how I feel in this moment. Uncensored. I know God has some kind of blessing that will come out of this devastating tragedy. I don't know what it is right now. I honestly cannot understand or fathom what it may be. But so many times in my life, even times when I have blatantly turned my back on Him, He has looked over me every step of the way. 

He has used every bad decision or bad experience I've ever been through to make me a better, stronger person. These experiences make me appreciate life more. Maybe one day I'll be in a place where I need to help someone through a similar experience. Maybe he wants me to be able to empathize with someone in the future. I'm not sure. But I'm hopeful and confident this will somehow be used for good and His glory.

My message for now would be to love your children. On the days when they annoy you and you feel like you are at your wits end, remember how precious they really are. Remember how fragile life is. Think of the mothers out there who have baby angels looking down on them, and find gratitude that you can walk hand in hand with yours right now. When I got home from the hospital today, I looked at all 3 of my boys in a different light. I suddenly felt more patience. More love. More gratitude that God allowed me to be their mother. If that feeling in itself was the only thing that comes out of this experience, that would be a personal blessing in itself.

Hold your children tight tonight. Hug them. Stop what you're doing and read them a book. Not because you "have to", but because you want to. Sing an extra bedtime lullaby. Give them one extra kiss.

Thank you all for your overwhelming messages of support and condolences. As I am still very emotionally up and down with this, I have not replied to many of your messages. But please know they have not gone unread or unnoticed. They have helped more than you know.

In Loving Precious Memory of #wayloncash2017
By Lacey Keller 

       Free Monthly Support Groups For        Miscarriage and Infant Loss

  

Groups are on-going and open-group

to help anyone who has suffered a loss of any kind including a loss due to miscarriage/ stillborn/ infant loss 

For mothers and fathers as well as other family members and friends

What:

Support Groups for Miscarriage and Infant Loss

Where:

Michael Loftis Counseling      

       2670 Memorial Blvd
               Suite A
  Murfreesboro, TN 37129

When: Every 3rd Tuesday evening of each month

Time: 7:00pm- 8:30pm
 
Support Groups are FREE
Registration is Required for each meeting

Contact Diane Gammon by calling or texting (615) 556-8406 or email Diane at Diane@LivingWithHopeCounseling.com. 
to register

You can attain hope and healing!

Diane received her Master of Science Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Walden University with a specialization in Trauma and Crisis Counseling.

Diane is a thriving survivor of 5 miscarriages as well as losing an infant daughter.
She uses her personal experiences 
of hope and helping 
along with her education and counseling abilities 
to help others 
who have suffered such a loss. 
 Diane Davidson Gammon MS is clinically supervised by Michael Loftis LCSW as she pursues  LPC-MHSP licensure.
 
 Disclaimer- I am not a doctor and I am not giving out medical advice. My blogs are for information and inspirational purposes. Please consult your doctor before starting a new health regimen.

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 By Diane Davidson 
                               Gammon M.S.
         Clinical Mental Health Counselor

 Open Full-Time Days - Monday through Saturday
With Evening Appointments
615-556-8406
Email- Diane@LivingWithHopeCounseling.com

Sliding Scale Fee for Individual Counseling Sessions 

Free Support Groups for: Depression, Anxiety, Panic, Hopelessness, Trauma, PTSD, Abuse, and Grief and Loss (Including Miscarriage/ Stillbirth/ Infant loss)

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